I Went a Month Without Praying

*****This post was shared without my permission on several political blogs. As the author, I DO NOT FEEL as though these sources accurately reflect the sentiments expressed in this post. Also, please see the below addendum for clarification on my thoughts**** 

I went a month without praying. Not on purpose and not because I stopped believing that someone was listening. I stopped praying because my heart got so blocked up and hard that I didn’t even know how to anymore.

How did I get there? I’ve never felt far from God. In all of my life, it’s never been difficult to turn to Jesus when I feel pain, doubt, loss or discomfort. Each time the world licked me with its lashes, I ran to Jesus. But… when the Church punctured me with her pernicious pride I drew into myself and armored my heart with iron.

I watched in horror and disbelief as Christians I love and respect supported a man full of greed, hate, arrogance and prejudice in the name of Jesus Christ. “We won!,” they said. Who won?

I wept bitterly at the photos of refugee children and grew furiously angry when Christians I know thought only of protecting themselves.  I became disgusted to the point of physical illness when Christians passed off jokes about sexually assaulting women as “loose lips” and “locker room talk.”

And then there were those who said nothing- an offense more desructive than any other.

I grew hot with rage. Is this the bride of Christ? Are these the people who are supposed to be walking in the footsteps of Jesus? I feel so incredibly distant from that Church. I will run as far as humanly possible from that brand of “Christianity.” If that is what Christianity is about then count. me. out. 

And Holy Week comes. For the first time in my 22 years, I identify more closely with the death of Christ than His Resurrection. I feel an absence of Christ in this world. On the evening we remember the crucifiction of Christ, I worship in a room with 100 other people and I wonder if we’re even worshipping the same God.

I feel like I’m greiving the loss of my Jesus. I’m greiving the loss of compassion, selfless love, benevolence, peace, generosity and kindness.

And though I haven’t prayed in a month, I hear His voice, “I AM the Lord. I change not.”

The iron armor falls. My heart pounds furiously with her new freedom. I worship Jesus for who HE is and forget the awful rest of it.

On Easter I weep with hope, because although the Church can feel like a terrible thing, Jesus will always come back to set things right. 

I’m turning a new page in my book. I’m setting out to find a community that seeks to be like Jesus. I’m done living out my faith like I’m a member of an army that’s fighting for converts and voting republican every election because “democrat” is a bad word.

Being like Christ should mean that my heart breaks every day for the lost and hurting. It means that I’ll break bread with any type of person and that I’ll fight for justice and for the liberation of the oppressed. All that’s left of my Christian faith is Christ, but I’ll take Him. Every single day.

Addendum: As someone who practices inclusivity, I want to clarify that I do not want to shame anyone for practicing their freedom of voting for whoever they choose. I am very aware that many Christians voted for President Trump with the motive of improving the world, and I can absolutely respect that. In this post, I was aiming at the spirit behind the sorts of evil that I feel Presdient Trump has evoked in many people. 

Also, I want to clarify that I ADORE the people of my church. This was written in reference to the chruch at large (That’s why I used the uppercase C). My church has contributed so many wonderful things to my life and made me who I am.

Published by

Abigail Hewins

Follower of The Way // Lee University

8 thoughts on “I Went a Month Without Praying

  1. I get you, Abigail. Good blog. Be glad your post is being shared widely, because it may cause some to check out your blog, but more so, check out Jesus.

  2. Thank you for this. You are a brave woman. I admire that. I am a huge believer in simply letting everyone believe what they want. This is after all, America. I am also saddened by the path we are on, but Trump won, and now my hope is that all of the folks that voted for him will see the course, and the callousness of his administration, and remove him. I pray they do this before he leads us into World War III. God speed Abby.

  3. A lot of us Feel The way you do. I see this as a moment of schism in the church. Either we follow the Jesus who loves the poor and vulnerable, or we create an idol that allows us to belong to a churchy White social club and applaud a p-grabber as if he were appointed by God. I found a church that believes what the Bible says and does not try to frame itself to the fashion of the politics of the right. I have lost some friends. You are right to prioritize your relationship with Jesus over other considerations. I remind myself daily that love never fails. I Pray daily for God to deliver us from wicked and unreasonable men. Don’t be afraid to go out and protest for a better world. You will meet Christians who think like you do. Blessings!

  4. Thank you for your post. I am right where you are..still in my church, still surrounded by people who keep referring to Trump as “God’s will and gift to us”..(this just yesterday from our Associate Pastor) and how we need to obey the leaders of our country because they are in power now because that’s how “God wants things to be”…Really struggling with this..and the real twist, I work there..paid staff..and I need this job to help my kids get through college. I belong to a long time Bible study group where, out of 10 members, my husband and are are the only people people who didn’t vote for Trump. These are good people, people I love, but they are also people who have no problem believing stories about how HRC “had so many people killed”. and “Obama was the worst thing ever for our country”. My husband and I just had a meeting with our Sr. Pastor about this and other policies in our church. My young adult children who were all baptized (at their request) at our churchbut will not attend there anymore because of a recent policy that refers to same sex marriage (our church won’t allow it, not for members, not at all) My kids are not gay, but they have friends that are and don’t believe that our church can continue to say they are a “church that loves all people” if they don’t allow people to love. I do believe in God, his power, the power of prayer but also have no idea how I am going to reconcile the “new” approach to politics in the church. Our pastors do not include political topics or make any references about how to vote, or elections at all. I am not blaming the leadership for the way I feel. I just keep hoping and thinking that I am just exactly where God wants me to be right now, and that questioning this political bent in our congregation might be part of the plan. I have found a few articles similar to yours which is leaning towards the idea of “WWJD” and I don’t for a minute think he would be a Trump fan. There is a movement referred to as the Religious Left and there was an amazing facebook video about East Lake church that gave me a bit of hope. In the meantime, I just want you to know, I appreciated reading your post and knowing I am not the only one out here feeling disconnected, lost and anxious about where that leaves me in respect to my church family.

  5. Oh my Lord! These words are straight “outta heaven!!” The Holy Spirit is speaking through you, not in His usual still small voice but like the sound of a mighty rushing wind!!! A lot of us (African-Americans) feel the same way you do. Some of us no longer feel “safe” in some churches because of those leaders who embraced Donald Trump. Those leaders demonstrated to the African-American community that they don’t care about us.  Their gospel is interpreted as being a gospel for white people only. I choose to believe God’s Word that there is neither Jew nor Greek, male nor female but we are all one in Christ Jesus. Many minorities are leaving congregations because they no longer feel as if they are a part of the Body of Christ. This dangerous trend is causing many to find refuge in “ministries” that support and embrace their heritage but no regard is given for their souls. The enemy is taking advantage of them by seducing them with a twisted and legalistic gospel (another gospel). Some have stopped going to church altogether. I see the big picture. I see that spirit of racism, under the guise of the hypocrisy of “moral values” causing hatred and discord among the brethern. I clearly recognize the enemy’s attempt to try and make the gospel void and of none effect. I see a “loveless” gospel being perpetrated because we don’t love one another as Christ loves the Church!! I see the oppression of the “foreigners” by “Christians” despite the fact that God clearly told us not to do that. I could go on. However, I know as long as God has vessels such as yourself who recognizes the difference between relationship and religion, there is still hope!! Thank you for being a true “minister of reconciliation”. God still has his rams (ewes) in bushes and his “prophets” who are not afraid to “come out of the caves” and proclaim the truth of God’s Word!

  6. Thank you sooo much for your words. You are speaking from my heart! As an evangelical pastor’s wife for 40 years, I am extremely uncomfortable with the churches’ position on this issue. It is shocking to me to see Christianity in America take this bizarre stance. When I see Pat Robertson saying that it is not Christ that sits at the Right Hand of God, but it is Trump who occupies that position…..I am sickened. What blasphemy!!!!!!! I need to know that there are others who feel as I do…..and finding your Blog this morning via facebook was perfect!!!

  7. Beautiful words, and words that need to be heard. Remember that there are a lot of Christ-followers out here who think as you do. We just need to make our voices heard, especially so that those who do not know God can see that not everyone who follows Him has been blinded by the Trump phenomenon.

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